Jokes


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Blind Little Johnny


Little Johnny and his  friend Billy were on their very first train ride with Billy’s mother. A vendor came down the corridor selling a  candy bar that neither had ever seen before. Billy’s mom bought each one of them  a bar.
Little Johnny eagerly tore open the wrapper  and bit a bit off into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the  train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across at Billy and said: “I wouldn’t  eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?” asked  Billy.
Little Johnny replied, “I took one bite and  went blind for half a minute.”

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Smarter Than You Think

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The
owner didn’t know what Johnny’s problem was, but the other boys would constantly tease him.
They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a
barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would  offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a
dime, Johnny would always take the nickel — they said, because it was bigger.
One day, after Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said, “Johnny,
those boys are making fun of you. They think you don’t know that the dime is worth more
than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it’s bigger, or what?”
Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face. Johnny said, “Well,
if I took the dime, they’d stop doing it. So far I’ve saved $20!”

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Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.” The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.” The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading Sherlock Holmes? And you know she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire series. It took the trainer 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the book and page, and the parrot recites it.”

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: “Milton,” she wrote one son, “The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”

“Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”

“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.”

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SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES – NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

I was performing a complete physical,
including the visual acuity test.
I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began,
“Cover your right eye with your hand.”
He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left.”
Again, a flawless read. Now both,” I requested.
There was silence. He couldn’t even read the large E on the top line.
I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked;
he was standing there with both his eyes covered.
I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

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30 fun things to do at Wal-Mart

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals throughout the day

4. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

5. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.

6. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

7.  When there are people behind you, walk really slowly, especially in thin aisles.

8. Turn all the radios to polka stations; then turn them off and turn the volume up to full blast.

9. Play with the automatic doors.

10. Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi. I haven’t seen you in so long.” etc. See if they play along.

11. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you are taking it for a test drive.

12. Follow people through the aisles, staying about 5 feet behind them. Do this until they leave the store.

13. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, “Wow, magic!”

14. Move “Caution : Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.

15. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you will only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

16. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from other aisles.

17. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, “I’m Batman. Come Robin, to the Batcave.”

18. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

19. When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and say, “Why won’t you people just leave me alone?”

20. When 2 or 3 people are walking ahead of you, run between them yelling “Red Rover.”

21. Make up nonsense products and ask employees if there are any in stock. (i.e.: Shnerples)

22. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full-scale battle with G.I. Joe vs. X-men.

23. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

24. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission Impossible.

25. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

26. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

27. Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.

28. When someone steps away from his or her cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

29. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, drop to your knees and scream, “No, no, its those voices again.”

30. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. Go to the food court, buy a drink, and explain that you don’t get out much and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

BONUS

1. Attempt to do all of the above in the same visit, without getting kicked out.

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In the 1500’s:
– Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.  The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies.  By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.  Hence the saying, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.”

– Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June.  However, they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour.  Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquetwhen getting married.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.  This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existence.

And that’s the, er, truth…
Now, whoever said that History was boring !!!!!
Educate someone…
Share these factoids with a friend…

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two fish in a tank.

One turns to the other and says “Do you know how to drive this?

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.  After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

And what do you deduce from that?

Watson ponders for a minute.  “Well,

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?

Holmes is silent for a moment.

Watson, you idiot!” he says.  “Someone has stolen our tent!

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A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?

3 Responses to “Jokes”

  1. mylibrarycardworeout March 24, 2010 at 1:32 PM #

    Pretty funny.

  2. tiffany and co May 1, 2010 at 6:14 AM #

    Thank for this great post, i like what you

    read.

  3. tasherz July 24, 2010 at 10:26 PM #

    lol

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